One of the books I purchased on a recent book-buying binge was The Circle Within by Dianne Sylvan. I ordered through Amazon and so had to wait a few days before my shipment arrived in the mail. Meantime, I was feeling starved for good reading on Pagan spirituality, so I went to the library and checked out a couple of popular books on the topic that I had not yet read. The only one I’ll mention by name is The Practical Pagan by Dana Eilers because I found the information in this book to be just what the title promises—practical. Because Eilers is a lawyer, her focus, for much of the book, is how to avoid legal trouble and still have a fulfilling spiritual life. Kind of depressing to think that in the 21st century there are still uninformed types out there who believe Pagans are Satan-worshippers who practice human sacrifice, but Eilers’ book makes it abundantly clear that religious intolerance is alive and well and possibly living where you are.

I am not going to give the title of the second book I borrowed from the library because it is just really awful. I will say that it is by a popular and prolific writer on Witchcraft whom readers seem to either love or hate. And even though I thought while leafing through it at the library that it wasn’t totally my kind of book, I wanted to read it and make my own decision about this author’s work. I’ve always been an avid reader and when I was younger, I never entertained the thought of not finishing a book I had started. At midlife, though, I have begun to realize how precious time is, and I made a promise to myself that I would not finish books I hated reading. This one definitely qualifies, so back it goes, unfinished, to the library!

Happily for me, my book order has arrived, and if the rest of the books are anything like The Circle Within (which I delved into immediately—it’s been on my to-read list for a long time!), I will say I don’t regret a single penny of what I spent! Now, if you’ve read through my older posts, you will know that I am a former Catholic turned Pagan. I’ve been pretty open about the angst I sometimes feel because I teach in a Catholic school and, having undergone a change of spirituality that would definitely not find favor with the higher-ups, I am in the broom closet rather more than I’d like to be.

What I haven’t been quite so open about is the fact that sometimes I mourn my loss of Catholic faith, for there were times in years past that I experienced deep emotional fulfillment when participating in Catholic liturgy, reading Scripture, or just praying on my own. Even in the face of some aspects of Catholic theology and some of the positions taken by Church officials that made me squirm, this satisfaction with my personal practice of Catholicism is what kept me going. So when I finally, officially walked away from Catholicism a year ago, I felt bereft in some ways.

And here, at last, is where The Circle Within comes in. In the first chapter of this book, Dianne Sylvan goes to some lengths to describe her own spiritual journey, including what she has learned about being spiritually alive by adopting some of the attitudes and engaging in some of the practices of Catholic (and Buddhist) nuns and monks. I just had this great sense of comfort and relief after reading the first chapter of this book that I didn’t need to throw the baby out with the bath water. My theology may have changed, but my spirituality and spiritual practice are alive and well. I can disagree with Catholic theology while at the same time admiring and continuing some of the practices of Catholics (and really all people) who are truly spiritually alive.

I had been dreading going back into the classroom this year.  It was over the past spring that I had finally adopted the label “Pagan” to describe myself spiritually, but at that point, I had acknowledged it to myself and no one else.  I spent much of late spring time and my summer break from teaching to explore my newly adopted spiritual identity.  With loads of time that I could call my own each day, I read books on Pagan spirituality and history that were stimulating and challenging, I worked in my garden, I started this blog, I walked and worked out regularly, I observed Lammas, and . . . I became preoccupied about whether I could return to my teaching job.  You see, although I have stepped onto the Pagan spiritual path, I still teach in a Catholic school, and I am bound by contract to uphold Catholic teachings and to be a model of Catholic living to my students.

Although I had already gone through a period of spiritual barrenness that had lasted several years, I had—up to last spring—continued to consider myself Catholic.  During those barren years I just went through the motions of attending Mass but doing little else to bolster any Catholic belief I might still have had.  And as I look back on it now, I am not entirely sure of what moment and what incident it was that was pivotal in bringing me to the full, conscious realization that I had found the Goddess.  But whatever it was, when I acknowledged to myself what I was feeling, it was as if I finally realized I had been holding my breath and could at last exhale.  At first, I felt exhilarated.  It was like a new romantic relationship—a crush, if you will.  I wasn’t concerned with anything beyond spending time together and getting to know as much as possible about my new lover.

As I grew in understanding over weeks of intense learning and spiritual reflection, I was sometimes overwhelmed by the beauty of my unfolding relationship with the Goddess, and I realized I did not want to keep it secret any longer, so at an appropriate moment I told my husband.  Happily for me, he not only accepted my revelation, he has embraced it to a large degree by encouraging me to take the time I need to celebrate and to continue learning. 

And so for a short while, it was easy to push aside any thoughts of my impending return to teaching in a Catholic school classroom, but as July turned to August and I began doing some of the mundane tasks associated with preparing for another year of teaching, I started to ruminate over that contract I had signed in the spring.  Could I truly uphold Catholic teachings and model Catholic living and still be spiritually true to myself?  To return to the romantic relationship analogy for a moment, it felt in some ways as if the school I work for would be the sugar daddy that would provide me a regular paycheck—how far would I have to forsake my lover to maintain that financial security?

As it turns out so far, it has been easier than I expected it would be for me to resume teaching in a Catholic setting for four main reasons:

 I really like teaching in general—it’s challenging and intellectually stimulating.

I like the subject matter I teach.  I haven’t taught religion for a number of years, so I don’t have any conflict there. 

I really like the other teachers I work with.  We may not be on precisely the same page spiritually right now, but many of them do have active Catholic spiritual lives, and I respect them for that.  My respect for them in this regard has always been there, but it has been fed and supported by my recent reading of the book Pagan Spirituality by Joyce and River Higganbottham, which goes into great detail in explaining various “levels” of spirituality.  I saw a lot in this book that could be applied not only to Pagans but to people of many other belief systems as well.

I realized that even if I do eventually seek employment in a non-religious school, public or private, I am a fairly private person, so I would still keep my spiritual life separate from my professional life.

I had actually found it more difficult to teach in a Catholic school over the last few years—during my period of spiritual barrenness—than I do now that I am on the Pagan spiritual path, and since I am a solitary practitioner of Paganism right now, I am tempted to just let things lie as they are.  But I can see that there will come a time, and it may be sooner than I think, that I will want to engage in group rituals or do some more formalized learning with a teacher, which would mean that I would need to become more publicly Pagan than I am just now.  I live in a fairly small, tight-knit community within a large city, and I would just feel more at ease about coming out as a Pagan if the terms of my employment contract did not include modeling and upholding the Catholic faith.  So although my immediate dilemma has been resolved, I am now looking more seriously at teaching jobs in non-religious settings.  Who knows?  Maybe 8 months from now I will be posting an entry here about my impending new position!  As it is right now, I am feeling a lot less anxious about it all than I was a month ago.

What does a middle-aged cradle Catholic do when she finds Roman Catholicism no longer works for her (if it ever did), but she still feels spiritual yearnings?  She ignores them for as long as possible, begins losing quite a lot of sleep, starts lurking around religion and spirituality websites, and eventually determines that substituting another “flavor” of Christianity won’t work any better for her than Catholicism did.  That was me a few years ago.  Of course, there’s much more to the tale than that, but I think this will suffice as an introduction to who I am. As to what this blog will be about, well . . .I’ve finally stopped plugging my ears and instead started to listen intently when the Goddess whispers.  She has much to say to me, I believe, and yet I hope she takes a bit of pity on me and understands that I am still very much a baby seeker on the path of Pagan spirituality.  This blog will be my way to keep track of what I’m learning as I enter and embrace the Pagan world.