I had been dreading going back into the classroom this year.  It was over the past spring that I had finally adopted the label “Pagan” to describe myself spiritually, but at that point, I had acknowledged it to myself and no one else.  I spent much of late spring time and my summer break from teaching to explore my newly adopted spiritual identity.  With loads of time that I could call my own each day, I read books on Pagan spirituality and history that were stimulating and challenging, I worked in my garden, I started this blog, I walked and worked out regularly, I observed Lammas, and . . . I became preoccupied about whether I could return to my teaching job.  You see, although I have stepped onto the Pagan spiritual path, I still teach in a Catholic school, and I am bound by contract to uphold Catholic teachings and to be a model of Catholic living to my students.

 

Although I had already gone through a period of spiritual barrenness that had lasted several years, I had—up to last spring—continued to consider myself Catholic.  During those barren years I just went through the motions of attending Mass but doing little else to bolster any Catholic belief I might still have had.  And as I look back on it now, I am not entirely sure of what moment and what incident it was that was pivotal in bringing me to the full, conscious realization that I had found the Goddess.  But whatever it was, when I acknowledged to myself what I was feeling, it was as if I finally realized I had been holding my breath and could at last exhale.  At first, I felt exhilarated.  It was like a new romantic relationship—a crush, if you will.  I wasn’t concerned with anything beyond spending time together and getting to know as much as possible about my new lover.

 

As I grew in understanding over weeks of intense learning and spiritual reflection, I was sometimes overwhelmed by the beauty of my unfolding relationship with the Goddess, and I realized I did not want to keep it secret any longer, so at an appropriate moment I told my husband.  Happily for me, he not only accepted my revelation, he has embraced it to a large degree by encouraging me to take the time I need to celebrate and to continue learning. 

 

And so for a short while, it was easy to push aside any thoughts of my impending return to teaching in a Catholic school classroom, but as July turned to August and I began doing some of the mundane tasks associated with preparing for another year of teaching, I started to ruminate over that contract I had signed in the spring.  Could I truly uphold Catholic teachings and model Catholic living and still be spiritually true to myself?  To return to the romantic relationship analogy for a moment, it felt in some ways as if the school I work for would be the sugar daddy that would provide me a regular paycheck—how far would I have to forsake my lover to maintain that financial security?

As it turns out so far, it has been easier than I expected it would be for me to resume teaching in a Catholic setting for four main reasons:

 

 I really like teaching in general—it’s challenging and intellectually stimulating.

I like the subject matter I teach.  I haven’t taught religion for a number of years, so I don’t have any conflict there. 

I really like the other teachers I work with.  We may not be on precisely the same page spiritually right now, but many of them do have active Catholic spiritual lives, and I respect them for that.  My respect for them in this regard has always been there, but it has been fed and supported by my recent reading of the book Pagan Spirituality by Joyce and River Higganbottham, which goes into great detail in explaining various “levels” of spirituality.  I saw a lot in this book that could be applied not only to Pagans but to people of many other belief systems as well.

I realized that even if I do eventually seek employment in a non-religious school, public or private, I am a fairly private person, so I would still keep my spiritual life separate from my professional life.

I had actually found it more difficult to teach in a Catholic school over the last few years—during my period of spiritual barrenness—than I do now that I am on the Pagan spiritual path, and since I am a solitary practitioner of Paganism right now, I am tempted to just let things lie as they are.  But I can see that there will come a time, and it may be sooner than I think, that I will want to engage in group rituals or do some more formalized learning with a teacher, which would mean that I would need to become more publicly Pagan than I am just now.  I live in a fairly small, tight-knit community within a large city, and I would just feel more at ease about coming out as a Pagan if the terms of my employment contract did not include modeling and upholding the Catholic faith.  So although my immediate dilemma has been resolved, I am now looking more seriously at teaching jobs in non-religious settings.  Who knows?  Maybe 8 months from now I will be posting an entry here about my impending new position!  As it is right now, I am feeling a lot less anxious about it all than I was a month ago.